Today

I quit

I surrender

Time to raise the white flag

I don't want to do this any more

I can't take the loneliness

I married for family

for kids

for intimacy

for relationship

I'm done - it's to much.

So many other blogs from other women with spouses on the spectrum say they stay in the marriage for the financial stability. They have their own life and choose not to do anything with their husband.

I don't want to live that way.

I understand it though. It is easier to close off my heart than to hope day after day he will "get it" and connect with me.

I knew taking separate vacations this year was not a good idea, but we did it anyway.

I had a feeling it would start us back down the path of separation.

I was right.

Honestly, it was so nice to turn my brain off and not worry about the Inventors reactions to new things. I experienced Hong Kong through my eyes, with my own reactions and feelings. I didn't have to worry about his loathing of crowds, fear of germs, sensory overload, or lack of desire to try new things.

I didn't realize how nice it was until I returned home.

The Inventors bluntness in the car on the drive home shocked me. It shouldn't have. I live with it every day. But it caught me off guard and I could feel myself start to shut down. I was already trying to bury feelings of apprehension about coming home while on the plane. I should have been feeling more excited about being back, but I couldn't help the fear that was welling up in my heart. It's exhausting pretending everything is okay day after day.

It was such a nice break to be away.

I only had two drinks in Hong Kong but have wanted to drown my feelings in vodka since being home.

I really thought things had changed. I knew the Inventor didn't fully understand why or how, but he has shown me so much love by the act of just trying. The argument on Sunday was as if nothing ever changed. He even blamed me again for not being desirable sexually.

I'm over it. Telling me I'm not happy enough or grateful enough or desirable enough.

He's right, it's not satisfying to only have my financial needs met. I want more.

I want intimacy - I want conversation - I want connection, and in his words - I can never expect any of that.

How am I suppose to write about overcoming life on the spectrum?

My heart is closed.

I hate selfishness, but I think I need the time has come to be selfish and rebuild the wall around my heart I innocently allowed to be taken down when I believed things could be different.

It feels as if a nuclear bomb went off in the middle of my heart.

I want to bury it all and go back to innocence and ignorance.

The pain, loneliness and regrets are too much to bear.

*Follow up 1/20/17

WOW, ouch! That was a tough week. Things are so much better now. One reason is I started thinking 'US' and 'WE' instead of 'I'. It is so easy to fall into a defensive posture when we are in pain. It took quite a bit of conversation and a few more intense moments but the Inventor and I both adjusted and extended grace to each other. Marriage takes work, plain and simple.

Praying for you ladies tonight. HUGS